Bowl Data – The Democrats

In Election 2008, The War On Drugs, US Politics on April 11, 2007 at 10:23 am

This article was submitted to the blog by our friend “rd,” who has his own blog here.  Enjoy.


A political candidate’s viability is often reduced to one simple but telling question: Would you want to have a beer with them? But sharing a few laffs over a pitcher of suds isn’t nearly as revealing as camping out in the rumpus room with a dimebag and a medium sausage lover’s. The real question should be: Would you want to get stoned with them? What follows are purely hypothetical stoner profiles of the leading 2008 presidential candidates:

The Democrats


– Preferred paraphernalia – a glass pipe (name: Toots McSmokealot) purchased during her freshman year at Wellesley.
– Stoned Song – Journey, “Don’t Stop Believing.” Rated America’s #1 favorite song in a recent Gallup poll; confirmed by Hillary 2008 focus groups.
– Marijuana Movie – “Pretty Woman.” Because she’s still a hopeless romantic at heart.
– Munchies, man! – a 32 oz. porterhouse, rare.
– Baked Babble – “Bill inhaled. I inhaled. Fucking Nixon inhaled. It was the seventies, for chrissake. Give me a break.”
– Dope Demeanor – Paranoid. Very paranoid.


– Preferred Paraphernalia – Cocaine blunts.
– Stoned Song – Rod Stewart, “Maggie May.” You’d think this would hurt his credibility within the black community, but in fact a large number of African Americans really love Rod the Mod. It’s just one of those weird things.
– Marijuana Movie – “Soul Plane,” allegedly. But he could just be overcompensating for the Rod Stewart thing. In his defense, it’s actually kind of a funny movie.
– Munchies, man! – Half a pack of Nicorette.
– Baked Babble – “Which is a weirder presidential name: Barack Hussein Obama or Millard Fillmore? Tough one, right?”
– Dope Deamanor – Cool as fuck. Homeboy makes Snoop look like Screech.

John Edwards

– Preferred Paraphernalia – a simple, workingman’s joint. Preferably smoked in the company of the family dog behind the toolshed.
– Stoned Song – Alan McGraw. Garth Tritt. Waylon Urban. Bruce Mellencamp. This is his country, dammit.
– Marijuana Movie – “Wild Hogs.” Anything with Tim Allen, really. John Edwards is one of you, America!
– Munchies, man! – Hominy. It doesn’t get more Red State than J-ward!
– Baked Babble – “I pay my Botox guy more than I pay my top consultant. A lot more.”
– Dope Demeanor – Smiley. It’s kind of creepy.

The Republicans – Coming up, as soon as we find the goddamn lighter… Between the cushions, maybe?

  1. […] War On Drugs, US Politics, Election 2008 — bigdaddychris @ 11:12 pm As a follow up to his Bowl Data – The Democrats post, here is RD’s take on the […]

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