Bowl Data – The Republicans

In Election 2008, The War On Drugs, US Politics on April 12, 2007 at 11:12 pm

As a follow up to his Bowl Data – The Democrats post, here is RD’s take on the Republicans:

A political candidate’s viability is often reduced to one simple but telling question: Would you want to have a beer with them? But sharing a few laffs over a pitcher of suds isn’t nearly as revealing as camping out in the rumpus room with a dimebag and a medium sausage lover’s. The real question should be: Would you want to get stoned with them? What follows are purely hypothetical stoner profiles of the leading 2008 presidential candidates:




Preferred Paraphernalia – one of those metal cigarettes that’s actually a pipe. Because he’s sneaky!

Stoned Songbook – Dean Martin. The original slick Italian. Ol’ Dino was like parmesan-encrusted catnip to impressionable legal secretaries back in the Attorney General days.

Marijuana Movie – Previews of the Giuliani biopic commissioned by his campaign. Coming soon to a theater near you – “Did I Mention 9/11? The Rudy Giuliani Story,” directed by Jerry Bruckheimer.

Munchies, man! – Judith Nathan

Baked Babble – “You know what’s crazy? Ice cubes, man. They’re like these little, perfect squares of coldness, and we totally take them for granted. You know what else is crazy? That a pro-abortion, pro-gun control, pro-civil union New Yorker might win the South Carolina primary. That’s fucking crazy.”

Dope Demeanor –Kind of jumpy. Constantly killing your buzz with inappropriate comments you try to forget.


 Preferred Paraphernalia – a Coke can. Because if he’s going to indulge in the forbidden herb, why not make it a twofer and score some caffeine?

Stoned Songbook – the Carpenter’s Christmas album. It reminds him of family, and Mitt Romney is all about family. But only wife. Don’t get it twisted.

Marijuana Movie – “An Inconvenient Truth.” He was the governor of Massachusetts, alright?

Munchies, man! – Pickles.

Baked Babble – “Yeah, Mormons take a lot of shit, and some of the stuff we do is a little nutty, granted. But have you ever taken a close look at the Pope? Homeboy is walking around with a fucking sceptor. Why doesn’t anyone ask Rudy what that’s all about?

Dope Demeanor – Pompously earnest. Earpous.


John McC .

Preferred Paraphernalia – perfectly rolled joints of legal, medicinal marijuana. He can’t walk without them. Bad hip.

Stoned Songbook – Cher, “Do You Believe in Life After Love?” His wife, Cindy, listens to it every morning during her nude step aerobics workout. She keeps him young, and he loves her for it.

Marijuana Movie – “Apocalypse Now – The Director’s Cut.” And not necessarily because of Nam – it’s just a badass movie.

Munchies, man! – Centrum Silver.

Baked Babble – “You know who sucks? Pat Robertson. I meant it the first time. And you can fucking go to Wolf Blitzer with that – I don’t give a shit anymore.”

Dope Demeanor – Tired, a little cranky, but oddly endearing.


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